The post was one that was full of angst but I have to add that today was good. Only 5 minutes was terrible. Amazing how 1 rotten apple can cause the whole crate to rot. Still, thanks to J’s mum, for the nice present. In the meantime, the rest of the world can wait while I withhold the identity of the present that made me smile. I am a girl of simple pleasures so you can be left guessing... It is really not that hard.
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The realization that you have been used and manipulated is a bitter feeling. It shakes you at the very core and crushes all the pride and dignity that you have left behind, reducing you to your naked self. The apex of this feeling lies not in how stupid you suddenly feel; neither does it refer to the discount that has been placed upon your kind thoughts and goodwill.
The apex is the mocking laughter of the devil singing between your ears, telling you that all the good you did once believe in does not exist, would not exist and shall never exist. In your mind, you banish all the good qualities such as trust, love, sympathy, kindness and generosity into Pandora’s box and swear, take an oath and do whatever you want to do, to convince yourself that you will not succumb to these nonsensical rubbish so that you will never be the one who will feel this way again.
Still I am guilty of being human. I am guilty of being the person who will wander nearest to the center and feeling the heat, still stretch my hand to have a taste of the uninhabited and irresistibly erotic dance of the fire. I still want to believe that there is a Higher Power that will sail me calmly through these turbulent waters and have me deposited safely on the other bank where everything has been promised and everything waits patiently, as if I have been expected.
And after the ceasing of the rain and wind, I know I can begin again. This moment is only temporary. Just as well that nothing lasts forever. After all, I still want to be near all the fires, whether they be big or small.
Just for this moment… leave me be. I need to relearn those steps to walk those paths again.
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