A Sense of Empty Happiness and Brooding Dread

Ever felt immensely happy for no particular reason while doing nothing in particular?

I feel that way every time I walk to the lab where my project is currently based at. It is not the project that I love. [Trust me on that!] Neither is it the people there that I feel a strong sense of affinity with, because I really barely know them. Just this unexplainable feeling immense happiness whenever I set foot on that 200m pavement that makes my steps just a little lighter and put a bounce in my hair.

I felt the same way when I walked home from work last year. A slow stroll next to the school with the quiet school field on one side, the noisy bustling congested road on the other and my iPod blasting my current favorites in my ear.

I adore this feeling. It makes everything else seem negligible and puts you in that true state where nothing is in your mind. And the best part is that you don’t feel bothered by anything. It’s not that you feel good. It’s just a good empty clear-minded moment. I love these times.

Now, ever felt carefree and yet have a sense of heavy and brooding dread, knowing that something bad is going to happen based on your current actions but you do not wish to do anything about it?

Trust me, I am sure you did. You would have felt that way at the start of any school holiday during your Primary and Secondary School days.

That’s how I currently feel everyday.

With this start of the school holiday, I feel happy because I finally get a break. But at the same time, I know that at the very very back corner of my mind that there is a price to pay for feeling so joyous and grateful for this break. It is almost as I know God is going to punish me for my current couldn’t-be-bothered attitude.

It isn’t really that I want to be left alone by school and it unnecessary accessories. I just want a proper moment with me, myself and I.

And so, I am still trying. Real hard. To constantly revisit the stretch of happy road mentally and escape from the general idea of being a school-going kid.