Bothered and Unbothered

Some people cannot be bothered about things beyond their tiny bubble.

I believe I belong to that group of people. This is evident in the recent US elections.

I cannot tell you that I was glued to the idiot box while the elections are happening and when the major newscasters are each giving their own unique projections and commentaries, although I did know that the elections was on that day. I cannot tell you that I was sitting, halted in time and mesmerized by the change in the air. I cannot tell you that I was there, in spirit or in mind. Because I was not all of those.

Yet, a part of me is bursting at the seams with hope in the aftermath of the US elections. I like being part of something characterized by passion and drive, even though it is someone else’s’ passion and drive. And even if I am just a spectator with no say, only opinions.

My current thoughts are indescribable. This to me is so much more than the election of a new US president. How can I begin to put into plain words that when I think about President Obama, I think about the true ending of the American Civil War at the honest level of its residents? How can I even begin to say that I now believe in the existence of a truth that is independent, rational and also intuitive, un-berated by society’s perception of what is right and what is wrong?

I cannot convince myself that he will be a good president, yet. I cannot even convince myself that he will be better than the last. But that is just me and my own ghosts and insecurities, because my dreams have been a little crumpled by the events of the last 8 years.

When Bush came into term in 2001, I remember being the Secondary 2 kid that I was. When 911 happened, I remember wanting to remember forever that moment in history because I am suddenly witnessing the things that actually do go into History books, instead of just plain reading about them. I wanted to be able to tell my children that I was there when it happened, and that I believed Bush when he said those words, when he addressed his nations and the world. I believed him when he said that America will be able to show the world that freedom can be defended and upheld in the face of threats. And that they can pass this test.

At that moment, I remember clearly that Bush may just be one of the few great presidents in America’s history since he already has one of the prerequisites on his side, a great big tragedy. And a tragedy that is enough to bring the majority of the people over to his side.

But I was sorely disappointed, and perhaps I still feel the grainy and unpleasant discomfort under my skin from having my hopes dashed and that’s why I cannot bring myself to entrust the world as I know it now into Obama’s hands completely. The person with the power to heal; unfortunately has also the power to destroy. What will happen with Obama? Is America’s current votes indicative of the events that are about to unfold over the next 4 years?

Some people feel that America’s trust and hopes in Obama is in part due to their disappointment in the Bush administration. That they had enough of his 4 years of promises and another 4 years of proving that the promises are empty.

I beg to differ.

Perhaps, because I am a mimosa. I shrink when hurt. My memory of past pain is so strong that I lack the courage to stand up clearly for what I feel is right for the moment, uninfluenced by what is past. I lack faith in the linearity of time, believing that what is past still has the power to become the present. I lack the convicted careless outer shell that will put my spirit on the table every single time someone welds a knife.

My childish and idealistic mind puts a small slice of this world into Obama’s hands. The rest of me are still waiting for some glimmer of that decorated and restored piece before I give out all of my tiny aliquot of this world.

I don’t want to be cynical of him and his abilities. But I really need some proof that he is indeed an improvement. At the back of my mind, I know that he is different. But this time, it is not him that I don’t trust. It is my own judgment that I am putting to test.

There is a certainty of a momentum that may perhaps bring to a standstill, things in this world that should not be and should never be. There is a defiant tune in the wind, singing the changes that will be, can be and should be. While there are no clear boundaries that can define at this point in time what is good and what is bad, there is a consensus that some things (for example) on the humanitarian and economic front must change.

This huge change may be driven in part by our personal desire for stability and security but it is still a small step in a much larger picture. It is the beginning of cleaning up the mess that we made, not for ourselves, but also for our unborn children. Its the beginning of ensuring that our children will not live in a world as we know it, but in a world that we envision it to be. And may that be the best gift of all.