Degrees of Change

Between today and the 21st, I am awaiting the commencement of potentially the last exam in my life.

It is startling to realise that I am finally at this juncture of my life.

I remember myself still as that kid of about maybe 4 or 5, glancing enviously at my older cousin while she adorns herself with adult face paint and scented water before going out in the evenings. And all the while, I will sit in my corner, pretending to be preoccupied with my little preoccupations.

And I would wonder secretly in my mind, the possibilities of being more grown that I was then.

When I sat for my Cambridge 'O' Levels, I thought that it was still a long and lonely road till I may finally get my degree. That coverted and floating image of a degree that my daddy put in my head since I was a little girl brought up to be a little boy. I imagined that the world would be different. The sky a brighter blue, the smells of the market fresher than most mornings and the sounds of the streets gaier than all the days that I have ever heard for all of my life.

And now that I stand at this juncture... I do feel different.

I now have an opinion, a control over the perceived colour of my hair, the way my hair falls over my shoulders and the drape of the clothes I wear.

But I still curl my feet when I sleep, struggle to remember to comb my hair when I wake and turn the corners of my mouth down when daddy pouts.

Deep inside, I am still that 3 year old.

Blah, I am not even 1 degree away from where I started but amazingly I am right where I wanted to end up in.